To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
...To try when your arms are too weary
to reach the unreachable star.
This is my quest
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Music speaks to me…
For as long as I can remember, this song has been a personal themes for me.
It stirs my heart and my mind. It creates such powerful hope and longing for personal growth. I have many different versions on my playlist.
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To follow that star
no matter how hopeless,
no matter how far.
without question or pause
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Although on the surface, I appeared happy and confident (I was known as
"Bopper"my freshman year of college), deep down I felt truly and
deeply powerless about directing the course of my life.
Some people seem to be born with the natural drive, willpower and/or
self-discipline to take them to the heights they dream of. Not me.
No matter how hard I tried, my big dreams never reached fruition.
I blamed my lack of willpower and self-discipline. I blamed major
depressive disorder that I inherited. I blamed my character weaknesses. I judged myself relentlessly.
How I prayed, mightily, to have this thorn removed from my life.
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To bear with unbearable sorrow
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If at first you don’t succeed…
Still, my natural optimism (also inherited) wouldn't let me stop trying...over and over and over again. This character flaw then, would be the unwelcome thorn I would struggle with my entire life. The promise of resurrection and a new and whole body – including a new brain—was the hope I lived on.
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To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar...
THIS is my quest.
I knew that if I was loved unconditionally by my spouse, I would gain the much-needed self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence to “change”. I was part of the generation that grew up watching the short film, Johnny Lingo. Surely, I was as worthy of 8 cows as the wife of the once-famous Johnny was.
Unfortunately, as hard as my husband tried to serve me up my daily dose of unconditional love, he could not reach the unconscious rejection and fault-finding narrative coming from my own head.
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To follow that star
no matter how hopeless,
no matter how far.
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause.
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If only I had a different brain...
When I
had a different brain, I thought, I would have peace of mind in spite of life's
challenges. I would have empowerment over emotions instead of self-indulgence.
I would have the joy of health rather than constantly giving in to instant
gratification. I would stop unconsciously judging people and love them
unconditionally instead.
I have spent my life trying to do and be all of that with my current
brain and I CAN do it...for a little while. It just doesn't last. So I try
again...and again........and again..............and become exhausted with the
apparently fruitless effort.
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I know if I'll only be true
to this glorious quest
that my heart will lie peaceful and calm
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I FOUND it…
In December 2022, on my journey to applying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling, I found my new brain.
I discovered, and believed, that even I -- ME—already had all the power I needed. I just didn’t understand how to use that power. The power had been given to me by my Creator and was only waiting for me to learn how to direct it.
The capability to think what I WANTED to think, --
to feel what I WANTED to feel --
to independently and intentionally ACT –
instead of reacting to the world around me became not only a possibility
but, I believe, my greatest task.
I am learning to question every unconscious thought and to decide whether or not it serves me. I am learning to actually FEEL my feelings rather than resist, avoid, or act on them.
I am learning to not fear any feeling; that, if I chose, my powerful feelings did not have the power to harm me, but only to help me have the most full of human experiences.
I am filling my life with curiosity rather than judgement, compassion for my humanness, and abundance rather than scarcity. It takes work, but the RESULTS are real.
And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
still strove with his last ounce of courage,
to reach the unreachable stars.
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I understand how my human brain creates my every experience. Circumstances no longer own me. I am not at the mercy of the world around me. I have learned both self-awareness and self-acceptance. These are gifts that are priceless. I have been given the most powerful, most magnificent, most creative, and most influential tool in the universe.
I have been given My Great Brain.
And so have you.
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